Beginning again is not always easy. As a matter of fact, it can be quite gut wrenching, heart breaking, terrifying, and full of questions of worthiness. I have been a dancer since the day I was born into this world and probably long before that. It's my way of telling a story, of balancing the Earthly life, the Ethereal, and the indescribable forces of Grace behind everything propelling us through life. So when I decided years ago to put that on hold you can imagine the pain that inflicted upon my soul. Starting and stopping, starting and stopping out of fear of not being enough, fear of being enough, or even fear of being more than I could imagine, I stunted myself, my worthiness, and my abilities. I questioned the very core of my being and began to starve from deep within. As, this life is hopefully long and full, it was my time of realizing. I studied yoga and meditation and channeled my soul into classes, teaching, sharing downloads of inspiration that would flood my soul for individuals, for groups, and for myself and then found the true meaning for me of the dance as a means of channeling, balancing the energetic forces within and surrounding while weaving the divine and the earthly, all one. Then just as I started to dance again, a little over a year ago, my father and I were on a road trip and were rear ended on the highway by a tractor trailer truck. We were unbelievably "lucky" to walk away. I in shock and worried about my father, wanted to make sure he was ok so we went to the hospital where he was checked out. I totally forgot to place my air mask on first just focusing on him and not thinking to even begin to nurture myself, big learning time!!! We must put on our air masks first otherwise how are we to serve others to our fullest potential. The process of healing and accepting all of the the gifts so far in life and even the ones that did not feel like gifts began for myself and for my Father was ignited in a new way. Suddenly the body that had always felt so fluid began to contract deeper and deeper with my neck feeling stuck, base of skull constantly locking and popping and a pelvis that became more rigid by the day, I felt more stuck and more emotional than ever, my heart felt broken a s sense of deep despair, loneliness, confusion, all mixed with a sense of gratitude for having an emotional experience of this nature. As the months passed by of trying everything to free up my body, I was, with the help of some amazing PT's (you know who you are) along with very light yoga and meditation able to release, reclaim and begin to relearn how to use these newly stuck yet unstuck parts of me. We discovered that my tailbone, along with my sacrum, had been knocked out of place and was placing strain on the back of my skull, hips, legs you name it. For the first time, I was truly uncomfortable in my own skin, exhausted and irritated from constant pain and discomfort. Months went by of sacrum adjustments, tailbone adjustments, and release work for my neck, yoga and meditation each day in some way and I slowly began to trust my legs a bit more each day with only 2 random falls during the time of adjustments after all, I was getting all new legs and a whole new alignment and was in some ways learning to walk all over again. So Hum.....Today, I celebrate! It was yet again a super emotional day but I entered a studio to explore on my own, for myself, my new alignment for the first time since and am now learning just how important the ground is! And while my practice is different than before, I feel like it's just the beginning of a new world of sensations, explorations and discoveries. Even when things seem like you are yet again walking or even crawling to the starting line remember that showing up/beginning is the most important step. Showing up for yourself to acknowledge that you hear the voice within and that you are listening and to surrender any results. By taking these moments to listen, to hear, to feel and to pacify your soul you are opening a doorway to richness and depth that is an experience that is given to you, unique you. The experience belongs to you and cannot be taken away if you decide to continually show up for yourself and your experience. Beauty.
You are not expected to know where it will take you or even where you would like to end up and no one knows how to do this life thing, just begin where you are, trust the Earth to support you, trust yourself to show up with a Universe of curiosity.
Till next time, We got this.
P.S. a little clip from today's warm up.